wakey wakey hands off snakey
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize