he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
