It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just high enough for therapy.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
