When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
