one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
