My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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