I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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