your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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