is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Drake has all the answers
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
