Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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