just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
