Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Randomize
