put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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