i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
