The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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