I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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