I just pynch a tree in the face
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
