went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
