OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I love you. Go after that dick
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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