Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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