I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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