I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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