She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
