It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
