I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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