I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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