I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
