How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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