U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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