Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
