Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
