Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
