nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize