he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
