The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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