I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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