just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
being pregnant is like rehab
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
