you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
