I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
