When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize