I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
