remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
