I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
