You can't motorboat a personality
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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