4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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