Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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