Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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