I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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