just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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