Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
