Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
