I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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