Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
