I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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