she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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