So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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