I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This baby is an asshole
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
