Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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