I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
