Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
