Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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